For me, it doesn’t matter if the comedic medium is visual (I Love Lucy episodes), auditory (hearing a joke) or written (greeting cards, magazines or book), I can find humorous entertainment just about anywhere.
While Steve and I were on a vacation several years ago, we spent nearly every afternoon lounging by the hotel pool. Steve found his relaxation in feeding the doves and napping, while I accomplished mine by reading and trying to get a tan. As one would expect, Steve and I lounged in chairs that were situated side by side. The arrangement had always been fine, that is until the day I started reading Jerry Seinfeld’s book Sein Language.
I don’t know whether it was my state of restful bliss or Seinfeld’s comedic writings, or both, but the deeper I got into the reading of that book, the louder I laughed. Historically, the harder I laugh the more likely it is that I will get the hiccups. Mix my maniacal laughter with my hiccups, and you’ve got a noise that will frighten small children. At one point during my literary entertainment, I was so caught up in a laughing fit that I fell off my lounge chair, which of course just made me laugh louder. After making sure I hadn’t injured myself, Steve appeared embarrassed by my actions, gave me a death glare, shook his head, rolled his eyes at me and proceeded to drag his chaise lounge over to the other side of the pool.
Recently I was reminded of that lovely day, when I was trying to read something to Steve that I thought was damn funny. Just like before, the further I got into my reading, the harder and louder I laughed. The more I laughed, the madder he got, and I finally just had to hand him the paper to read for himself. He chuckled, but as usual he did not find it as funny as I did.
I would like to share the entire posting, however some of it isn’t really appropriate for print in our paper. Darn it. Instead of just skipping the whole thing, I have done some editing and embellishing of the above-mentioned writing and have copied it below for our readers to enjoy. I hope you folks find it as funny as I do.
Note: The following writing is not based on a true story. It is meant for entertainment purposes only.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to our local store [rhymes with Dalmart]. Like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get what I need and get the heck out. My wife, on the other hand, loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear spouse received the following letter from our local store [still rhymes with Dalmart.] Dear Madam,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras” :
1. June 15: He took several tubes of hemorrhoid cream and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in our housewares departments to go off at five-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Went into our produce area and tried to juggle oranges. He did not succeed. Consequently he hit Jim, our produce manager, on the head with one of the aforementioned citrus fruits. Jim has now filed a workers-compensation claim.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3. Get on it right away.” He did not tell her what department he was referring to. The employee then left her assigned station, ran around trying to find out what a Code 3 was. The employee therefore received a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in higher management getting involved in what was an unnecessary situation.
5. August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” Emergency medics were called.
8. September 4: Looked right into a security camera and used it as a mirror while he dug in his ears with his keys.
9. September 10: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
10. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his Madonna bustier costume look by using different sizes of funnels held to his chest.
11. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, popped out and yelled, “Pick me! Pick me!”
12. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he fell to the floor, assumed the fetal position and screamed, “Oh, no! It’s those voices again!”
13. Took an athletic supporter to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!” One of the staff passed out.
Once again, we want to make it clear that from this day on neither you nor your spouse are welcome in our store.
